It's grey and boring because I have not learnt how to colour stuff yet.
I will be working on the other Revelations soon. Let me give a brief intro about the series, since I haven't done so before.
The idea to create this series had origniated from two story ideas. The first is 'Insubstantial Mirage', the other, 'Lucia et Aurantius'. For some reason, I'd thought of the word 'Revelations' on my way home in a car (good inspiration-givers, cars are), and looked it up in the dictionary later (dictionaries are my favourite references, I have about 3 to 4 English dictis, 3 German, 1 Japanese, 1 Italian, though I hardly ever use the last one).
'Revelation' had four meanings, which I will reveal later. Insubstantial Mirage is based on the first definition. Lucia et Aurantius on the fourth. I'm still thinking of stuff to feel the two in the middle.
I'm going to post everything onto FF.net only after I'm done with at least 3 stories. Mirage is in it's finishing stages. I'll consider it 'completed' only after a couple of people have read it and given their views. Therefore, I would need your comments, swiftly-swiftly, if you're reading this, dear reader.
Thank you!
Bunnisteffi
22 comments:
hi there :) I just read version 2.0 of your story. I like it, but dang, it's not finished :( Nothing frustrates me more than an unfinished story! I hope you have it all plotted out by now.
The whole IDEA of my lovely Byakuya (when did he become mine? heheh) having a secret daughter is beautiful -- I mean, lots of women still die in childbirth, right? How she could have been hidden from Rukia for so long takes a bit of imagination but I am happy to suspend disbelief since it is written in a very poetic manner.
The opening paragraphs of Ichigo touching the furniture is great, and from there on the plot-driven narrative drew me in. I like the little details too, about how everyone's pissed at Ichigo after HM and that Renji is marginally sharper than Ichigo (hahahaha!)
Overall, I like it :) and I'm not just saying this because we've been "talking" a lot via blog/BA.
I must add, though, that some of the phrases seem a little stilted, as if it was originally thought out in a differerent language and then translated into English -- like "Rukia's sister's daughter." Was this done intentionally, as to highlight the fact the characters are Japanese? Just wondering. If that's your intention, it's effective.
I hope you finish this and enlighten me on the mystery behind Byakuya's child and why on earth she would prefer Ichigo over Renji for a brother-in-law. :) I hope she has a good IchiRuki reason for it. (wink wink)
love ----> Laurie B.
Laurie!
I'm glad that you visited. I was spacing out from the emptiness of this blog... o_o
I'd meant for the details to be there... me love details! They're the best parts of every story. I revere authors who do details, like Kubo Tite and Stephenie Meyer. And you, too. *winks*
Now that you've pointed about the stilted phrases, I must say that some are, indeed intended.
'Rukia's sister's daughter' is 'cause it feels rather awkward for Rukia to have a niece. I would like the connection between Hisana and Rukia and Shinki to be there all the time. By adding 'sister's daughter', ALL of the Kuchiki girls are included.
Would you mind giving me a few more examples of the 'stilted phrases'? Some of them could be 'cause I think too much about how to express it out, and end up with weird phrases in the end.
I'd actually considered this 'completed'. As in, all of the main scenes are in. But since you are interested in the mystery behind Shinki's unrealised presence, I shall add in a little bit more.
My favourite scene was the Shinki and Byakuya one in his study. This was something I had thought up while in my thought-process. It was nice knowing that Byakuya had a tender side, besides the protective one.
There's one bit that bothers me. The kiss shared between Ichigo and Rukia. Do you think it's rather sudden? This is my first time writing any kind of fluff, so what I have there's based on my experience... in reading other stories.
Overall, I don't know whether this story would appeal to the IchiRuki readers, since the IchiRuki factor isn't very strong... it's more like me introducing my new character... Garh. Self-doubting.
Bunnisteffi
The only other phrase that really struck me as stilted was "You are the child-Rukia-ghost, yes," or maybe it's the many dashes. Perhaps it might sound better as a question? I leave that up to you :) Some very strict Nanao-types would tut-tut at the use of "Just because," but I guess you can ignore that since Shinki's pretending to be younger than she is.
Also, I found a small typo, I think discreetly was misspelled. Or maybe I'm still sleepy. Double check to be sure :)
After re-reading the ending again, it made more sense and felt more complete. Am I right to think that Shinki is grooming Rukia and Ichigo for Byakuya's future acceptance of their relationship, and that they will also be subject to his protective instinct! Did I get that right or am I totally wrong?! (The idea of Byakuya protecting Ichigo is hilarious -- it's like an elegant cheetah protecting a beserker hippo!) Hahaha.
I digress.
About the kiss, it's rather sweet and PG-13. Not much description though, so unless you're really aiming for 100% lemon squee factor I don't think you need to edit this part. Don't worry about it being not IchiRuki enough; it is about them. Most fics deal with Rukia's interaction with the Kurosaki family; not much I have read deals with Ichigo dealing with his "in-laws."
If you want to add to the romantic gesture however, the only suggestion I can offer is to add sensory details (all five senses, mind you -- as a rule of thumb, the most neglected senses in fiction are smells and sounds; sight is the most overused.) So unless you want to do a little "field research" and find some random guy to kiss (WHEE!)... you have to use your imagination. XD Just remember, each kiss is different, and just like love, there is no wrong way to do it.
I'll shut up now, I'm grossing myself out with this motherly advice.
- laurie b.
I've added some more bits. In these bits, the sense of smell is included, and Shinki/I go all secretive with her/my 'because's.
I checked on the word 'discretely':
As a separate unit: apart, independently, individually, separately, singly. Idioms: one at a time, one by one.
And 'discreetly':
...Have to go, continue another time.
Bunnisteffi
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